wow thanks, will try to catch them this december when i’m in manila. funny coincidence, i just bought a copy of a The Who album 2 days ago. it’s the one with Won’t Get Fooled Again, which The Jerks played on the 2nd time I ever got to see them play live.

hi daryl,

sorry i haven’t emailed in forever. i am honestly sorry about that, however i am not going to make any excuses about how work was tough and how busy i’d been because i know you’ve heard it a million times before. the truth is that i was having worries as to what this could have been leading to. i was thinking that i could really let myself like you a lot if i’d wanted to, but then again there was this other hugger which totally would ruin everything for me. so i went into a bit of hibernation and gave it some thought.

starting last wednesday, i’ve been on holiday. you’ve most likely heard of the obon yasumi season here. most companies give 2 days off (3 or 4 if you’re lucky) so people can go back to their hometowns and visit their families. technically, obon is their all soul’s day yata but somehow it’s evolved into that family reunion thing. as far as i know.

oh, back to my giving it some thought. i’m approaching this whole thing again with a clearer mind. i just want to be a good friend to you with no expectations about anything whatsoever, and i’ll see what happens.

i hope you’re having a good start to your weekend over there. and i hope that you do not hate me too much for appearing to have disappeared just like that. i’m here and i’m back and i’ll try harder to keep the emails going.

hope you’ll keep me posted about your coming over to japan!

-kdc

p.s. how’s your nihongo study? (nihongo no benkyou ha, dou desu ka?)
** note: ha is read as “wa” but i have this feeling you already knew that.

p.p.s. talking about the weather is so cliche i know, but the weather here is way too hot for me right now. i try not to go out between 10 and 4 if i could help it coz at the risk of sounding maarte, it’s painful to feel the sun on your skin when it’s this hot.
-kdc

kdc,

It’s night time- bed time again. I could imagine a man now sleeping like a baby. I don’t have that kind of sleep anymore I don’tknow why. They say it’s a sign of aging. If that’s the case, growing old really is a sad and bitter story. I was just thinking about that two days ago that I’m now 29 and soon I’ll be 39..49..so on and god knows when the clock will stop ticking for me. Could be earlier than i expect or hope for.

I went to a friend today in UP Village, one of my favorite places in the city. Lunch time when i got there and was thinking he made lunch since he’s expecting company but he was still in boxers (that’s his normal sleeping and pambahay outfit so I wasn’t surprised) and he smelled like he just got out from bed. He’s one of my oldest and closest friends since highschool. You know how old and good friends are. Seen pretty much the worst of them yet you still like hanging out with their company.

He decided that lunch will be on him since I just wouldn’t stop nagging about ‘why he didn’t cook’( a grumbling stomach gets the better of me sometimes but also that’s my way of making him pay) *BIG SMILE*
So across the street a spitting distance from his house is where the best all-protein-and-FREE-CHOLESTEROL-diet you can find in the area, that’s Grill Queen. I’m sure you’re still familiar with it. In there I had skewered tokwa and 3 pork bbq’s. Yum.

All thru lunch and back in his house, just like always he went on and on about his love life and he made me listen to his guitar compositions and asked me how he’s improved but just like always i never lied. Still told him he suck and should give it up for writing because i know he’s a better writer than a musician. I see him once in a while, whenever i feel so stressed or just when miss I his physical presence. It’s nice to just hang-out. Endless kwentos,cups of coffee,cigarettes(I’m a second hand smoker since last year), a lot of goofing and laughing hard. We just couldn’t stop even if it’s already painful in the facial muscle and in the stomach to laugh, it’s so happy it’s intoxicating.

Dinner was by Grill Queen again this time it was a take -out. Not long after that I went home and he went drinking with his other friends. He asked if i wanted to join but I didn’t have the mood for an alchohol spree not even for a one-for-the-road. That’s the end of my Tuesday.

Again I’m having trouble with sleeping. So I got up, checked my email, now writing email.

This by far is the lengthiest email I made in my whole 29 years of existence.haha. For a very lazy person like me it’s a feat I must say. The other hugger and I used to exchange emails too about the same time you’re exchanging emails with HER. But the other hugger complained that I write as if its a telegram.

You’ve mentioned hearing my voice. I have a thing for voices too. Not the singing voice but the speaking voice of either a man, woman, or child specially if it has passed thru a device..haha i dont know how to describe it. So now i wonder what would your voice sound like? And what feelings it will bring when I finally hear it.(smile)

Did you find a match about functional poems? I was kidding when i said it. Its something made up. I’d be surprised if there’ll be any accurate return for that query. Now I’m begining to realize that we share a lot of things in common than i could imagine. I tried to learn how to play drums but failed in that one, guitar, a little bit but my finger ruined it for me and oh I shouldn’t forget that I played a bandurria when I was in fourth grade, just played with it never really learned how to play it. haha

Books, Im not voracious unlike some people I know. I’m finishing this book by Ursula K. Le Guin. The title is ‘Dispossed’. Got plenty of dog ears in it too since i had to put it down so many times but I’m recommending it.

I’m punching the keys like a mad man if i don’t stop I doubt if I’ll ever get that sleep back again. So goodnight and sweetdreams to both of us.

-me

i’m liking this email thing. it’s been a long time since i’ve kept up an email exchange that wasn’t work related. the last person i could honestly say that i had the pleasure of writing to and hearing from was about 4 years ago. i haven’t spoken to her in at least 2 years now.

my sunday was a typical one. i woke up a bit past lunch just in time to cook myself breakfast for 2pm. then household chores, laundry and all that. then i watched some downloaded movies (this time it was Crash — seen it a few years back but i’d forgot most of the details so i thought i’d see it again.)

i guess i can’t remember anymore the last time i sent a letter by post. i’ve written postcards though (although the last one was by request; i know someone who collects cards). yes, it does feel nice to open your physical mailbox to find a real envelope holding a letter made from dead trees. i like looking at people’s handwriting.) and i think you don’t write badly at all. when i read your email it’s like i can hear you whispering them to me in a very quiet room. which is strange since i don’t know how your real voice sounds like yet.

i actually checked my email twice during the day after i sent it. no need to be sorry, though. no rush to reply. the worst thing would be if you replied only coz you know i’m expecting one. take your time and mail only if there’s something you want to tell me. i really don’t mind waiting at all.

i shall google “functional poems” coz i’ve never heard of them before. i guess i am only familiar with the classic kind, the ones you study in high school and see in movies like Patch Adams. i’ve known quite a few poetry fans too but i’ve yet to try making my own. i have this feeling that i’d fail miserably. same with my photography thing. i’ve been a newbie for years but i never ever liked my work. (well, maybe once or twice.) i guess i’m more a consumer than a creator of things. i consume books and music and photos but i hardly give anything back. i should really try to make my own stuff but my laziness keeps me from it.

speaking of consuming books: do you have a favorite author? right now, i don’t. back in high school i used to read a lot of tom clancy and michael crichton but i’ve already outgrown them (they start sounding the same after a while). i’m looking for some new author to start on, maybe you can suggest one? i need an alternative to my non-fiction business/finance books.

-kdc

p.s. my real name isn’t really karl. it’s quite a bit longer than that too. i hope you don’t mind that i can’t tell you yet.

p.p.s. you should try riding a bike again. it’s a lot of fun! besides, you’ll need that skill when you get to japan. the japanese can ride bikes while texting on their cellphones and holding umbrellas. i kid you not.

Kdc,

At the time you were writing your email I was also wide awake in the living room rocking myself to sleep on my grandmother’s old and rickety rocking-chair. Fighting bouts against my wakefulness because I know I only have less than two hours before daylight.

That night was strangely humid even if it rained in the afternoon as I had mentioned in my first letter.

How’s your Sunday? It has been ages since my last visit to a church for a mass but I was in Quiapo church 3 months ago to have a look and see. I do that sometimes wandering around the metro. I go start in the morning then come home after sundown. Minus the congested traffic of the city, I enjoy walking, and riding buses, or jeepneys, I’d like to ride a bicycle too but i never learned how. Too scared to learn now and apparently too embarrassed to be seen practicing haha. Now my memory darts back to the time when I was on a borrowed bike and was having real difficult time on how to make a turn. The thought gives me butterflies.

For some reason your email did the same, made me feel butterflies in me. And I think thats a good thing.
It’s been a while since I wrote anyone an email. Hardly anyone emails anymore let alone anyone to send a letter by post. Had you ever written a letter and sent it by post? I had and it was exciting. I believe there’s magic in ardently anticipating a letter that comes in a envelope. (im smiling)

I’m a bad writer rather i write badly. It’s one of the gazillion things I’m not good at. Guess I really don’t have to warn you about that since it will inevitably show. One thing too that this email revealed was my name. Yes, i don’t remember telling you my name and since now that you know I’m going to ask, is Karl really your name? hahah silly.

I’m rushing now to answer your questions since the dawn has broken and this email is a day late, if we are to correspond in a day to day basis. I hope you didn’t have to wait for it yesterday or last night. If you somehow did, I’m sorry.

You asked me if I like poetry and the answer is yes. Finding a niche in anything literary never occurred to me although I have a few poems kept somewhere in my room. They’re a not intended for public viewing…haha..I could say they were written to serve as a catharsis for me. Heard of functional poems? I would bet if they are any good. So maybe I’ll just stick to reading other people’s works instead. That’s much easier.

Hey! I need to hit the bed..it’s getting harder to resist the inviting look of it. And if I catch a dream hope not to forget when I wake up from it so I can tell you about it.

Good Monday morning to you.

-me

it’s 5.30 in the morning here and it’s super quiet but that’s how our neighborhood usually is. i must be the only one awake within 5 city blocks, not counting the newspaper delivery men and the yakult ladies (they wear a really nice white and blue outfit here that seems to shout “i deliver milk”).

i just came home from karaoke with 3 of my officemates. it was a weirdly alcohol-free evening since they aren’t big on drinking. i would have wanted a few bottles in me but it would be embarassing to be the only drunk guy in the room. so it was mostly pepsi, and ice cream, and finally iced coffee for my then-sleepy liver.

back in my room now, i’m bizarrely awake in my near-zero decibel environment. i can hear the fan in my laptop and the fan in the net-tv box hooked up to my tv 5 feet away. the curtains try in vain to shut out the sunlight (which was been there since over an hour ago since it’s right smack in the middle of summer).

daryl. that’s your name! i don’t think i’ve ever asked you your name before (or have i?). your email has a sad tone to it, but maybe i shouldn’t be making any conclusions. do you remember your dreams? i usually do, but they evaporate in about 30 seconds after i wake up. when we were still children, my siblings and i would excitedly blurt out our dreams in stream-of-consciousness style as soon as we’d awaken from them so we won’t forget. lately, i notice that the 30 seconds might be getting even shorter. my last dreams had the smell of lamb chops in it somewhere, but that’s all i remember. i can’t even picture out the place that i was eating at in my dream. hehe.

do you like to read poetry? your email sounded like poetry. lately i’ve been thinking of again buying a book of poems. my last one was a book by e.e.cummings. but it’s in my room in manila right now. as for writing, hmm… i cannot write a verse to save my life. i must have written one poem or two for school but that’s it. and one of them might have been a haiku. (i always thought haikus were lazy.)

anyway, time for me to tuck myself in again. in a few hours, some friends in the building might ring my doorbell to ask if i’m going to church and again i’ll say maybe not this time. the church is 20 minutes away by bike and even now i know i don’t want to go. there are times i do go, but it’s more of a community thing rather than a faith thing for me. and church is about the only place outside work that i see filipinos. not that i need to explain why i go to church.

my turn to catch some dreams now.

-kdc

1

It’s  raining here. A perfect weather to sleep and just dream the whole day. If life is just what I make when I close my eyes and as I pull the blanket over me and curl up to my most comfortable side of the bed if I can just have everything my way, but can not. Eventually the rain has to stop pouring and I must get up and go back to the waking life. And in there everything that was dreamed of will be forgotten, will be lost. Like all our dreams now in oblivion.

I can use some sleep

I tell myself

Please go to sleep…You’ve been wide wake way too long…
Night has  gone, and it has  been past dawn…
The sun’s been setting again on your dreams for so many times now
and your life is  slowly falling apart down the crack and at the seams.

Do not care if you fall asleep in your musty stale state
because nobody does, nobody would so please give yourself a break                                                                                                                                                                    find some way to be anything…but awake.

try this..

Hide behind a monitor with glazed eyes and a drip drool tongue
and try some of that funky looking pills
or start not worry about the bills                                                                                                                   Tell them about your lies in disguise and your lack of sensitivity
and dwell in this land of the positive to discern the negativity.

Skittish to a fault about your exercising demons and lost innocence
and deal with all the faults and lies that your life really represents.
We’ve got a winner in the winter of social depravity.
Finding something else to stuff into that black hole of a cavity.
Overturned by love into a dark chasm called fate,
where you’re straight with having to clean your plate.
filled with Rat meat and puss filled pasta, galore.
When you think you just can’t stand anymore.

You lost it a long time ago, but you’ve long been in personal denial.
Since it’s seemed your whole life has been on television trial…
You’ve been born bloodstained guilty but only you thought it wasn’t so
and now you’ve been left with the option of no where else to go…
So sleep, deep into a slumber of a different number
where you awaken smarter, for once, in the land of the dumber.
Guessing the verdict while dream speaking backwards about your long lost past
and hope that somehow…someway…this feeling won’t come to stay and last.

04-06-08, 11p.m. was all there was..

small room
bed and lights turned down
dipped in oil
varnish
smeared to wrist
chest tightening
with each breath
desire blind

to make marks
move
one
against the other

email: aug 27

my hands were shaking as i was reading this. i had a premonition something heartbreaking is written at the end. I was trying hard to read the entire letter and not scroll down at the end right away.

so its finally come to this. part of me is happy for you, the rest is grieving. i thought about all the events that happened since we first met. happy memories, all of them.i was so happy spending my time with you. but for some reason it breaks my heart to think of them now. they seem vague, so distant. it hurts so much.

i will miss you. now more than ever. i hate the fact that you are just a memory to me now, that will eventually fade no matter how much i hold on to it. God knows ill hold on to it, until i lose my mind trying to remember what you look like, or what your voice sounded like. going to places we’ve been to will surely kill me inside.

Its driving me crazy even now. goodbye Abi. I love you so much. No one can ever take your place in my heart. i love you.

- ian

email: aug 8

Abi, I dont want to lose you, Im afraid telling you the truth will cause me to lose you. But you have been very honest with me, my conscience is haunting me every single day. i dont want to tell you lies, then tell more lies to cover those fucked up lies. i dont know what changed but today im willing to face the consequences.

Abi im married. But we dont get along, i dont get along with her parents, hell i dont even get along with mine. She got pregnant when we were in 3rd year college. I was young and naive, no means to support myself, and with both families wanting us to get married, I was in no position to refuse. Both of us were in a way forced into it. She gave birth to twins, Hannah and Hannie, they’re 7 yrs old now and are in Grade 2.

She works overseas, in a cruise ship, only comes home twice each year. We always talked about parting ways, threatened each other even about going to court to settle who gets custody over our kids. She got pregnant again December of 2006, which is rather unfortunate considering our given situation. This didnt change anything though, we still dont get along, and we dont keep it a secret that we dont have affection for each other. She’ll be on her 2 months vacation 3 weeks from now, and made it clear she will take Haneah with her back to Mindanao, Hannah and Hannie will stay with me. Im not really fine with that arrangment, I mean she can leave and re-marry for all i care but the kids must stay with me. I’m the one who raised them afterall, she was never there for them. Guess, ill just have to wait and see.

Thats the reason why i cant invite you over to my house.
I never lied about what i felt for you. I want you to know the truth now, before we meet again, para hindi mo naman isipin na ginagamit lang kita. Although im pretty sure di na matutuloy yang meeting na yan ngayon. Before my words finally fall on deaf ears, i want to tell you I love you, Abi. I love you so much.
I’d rather lose you telling the truth, than lose you telling lies.

Ian