I can use some sleep

•October 25, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I tell myself

Please go to sleep…You’ve been wide wake way too long…
Night has  gone, and it has  been past dawn…
The sun’s been setting again on your dreams for so many times now
and your life is  slowly falling apart down the crack and at the seams.

Do not care if you fall asleep in your musty stale state
because nobody does, nobody would so please give yourself a break                                                                                                                                                                    find some way to be anything…but awake.

try this..

Hide behind a monitor with glazed eyes and a drip drool tongue
and try some of that funky looking pills
or start not worry about the bills                                                                                                                   Tell them about your lies in disguise and your lack of sensitivity
and dwell in this land of the positive to discern the negativity.

Skittish to a fault about your exercising demons and lost innocence
and deal with all the faults and lies that your life really represents.
We’ve got a winner in the winter of social depravity.
Finding something else to stuff into that black hole of a cavity.
Overturned by love into a dark chasm called fate,
where you’re straight with having to clean your plate.
filled with Rat meat and puss filled pasta, galore.
When you think you just can’t stand anymore.

You lost it a long time ago, but you’ve long been in personal denial.
Since it’s seemed your whole life has been on television trial…
You’ve been born bloodstained guilty but only you thought it wasn’t so
and now you’ve been left with the option of no where else to go…
So sleep, deep into a slumber of a different number
where you awaken smarter, for once, in the land of the dumber.
Guessing the verdict while dream speaking backwards about your long lost past
and hope that somehow…someway…this feeling won’t come to stay and last.

04-06-08, 11p.m. was all there was..

•October 25, 2009 • Leave a Comment

small room
bed and lights turned down
dipped in oil
varnish
smeared to wrist
chest tightening
with each breath
desire blind

to make marks
move
one
against the other

email: aug 27

•August 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

my hands were shaking as i was reading this. i had a premonition something heartbreaking is written at the end. I was trying hard to read the entire letter and not scroll down at the end right away.

so its finally come to this. part of me is happy for you, the rest is grieving. i thought about all the events that happened since we first met. happy memories, all of them.i was so happy spending my time with you. but for some reason it breaks my heart to think of them now. they seem vague, so distant. it hurts so much.

i will miss you. now more than ever. i hate the fact that you are just a memory to me now, that will eventually fade no matter how much i hold on to it. God knows ill hold on to it, until i lose my mind trying to remember what you look like, or what your voice sounded like. going to places we’ve been to will surely kill me inside.

Its driving me crazy even now. goodbye Abi. I love you so much. No one can ever take your place in my heart. i love you.

- ian

email: aug 8

•August 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Abi, I dont want to lose you, Im afraid telling you the truth will cause me to lose you. But you have been very honest with me, my conscience is haunting me every single day. i dont want to tell you lies, then tell more lies to cover those fucked up lies. i dont know what changed but today im willing to face the consequences.

Abi im married. But we dont get along, i dont get along with her parents, hell i dont even get along with mine. She got pregnant when we were in 3rd year college. I was young and naive, no means to support myself, and with both families wanting us to get married, I was in no position to refuse. Both of us were in a way forced into it. She gave birth to twins, Hannah and Hannie, they’re 7 yrs old now and are in Grade 2.

She works overseas, in a cruise ship, only comes home twice each year. We always talked about parting ways, threatened each other even about going to court to settle who gets custody over our kids. She got pregnant again December of 2006, which is rather unfortunate considering our given situation. This didnt change anything though, we still dont get along, and we dont keep it a secret that we dont have affection for each other. She’ll be on her 2 months vacation 3 weeks from now, and made it clear she will take Haneah with her back to Mindanao, Hannah and Hannie will stay with me. Im not really fine with that arrangment, I mean she can leave and re-marry for all i care but the kids must stay with me. I’m the one who raised them afterall, she was never there for them. Guess, ill just have to wait and see.

Thats the reason why i cant invite you over to my house.
I never lied about what i felt for you. I want you to know the truth now, before we meet again, para hindi mo naman isipin na ginagamit lang kita. Although im pretty sure di na matutuloy yang meeting na yan ngayon. Before my words finally fall on deaf ears, i want to tell you I love you, Abi. I love you so much.
I’d rather lose you telling the truth, than lose you telling lies.

Ian

email: another one from aug 4 09

•August 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

i think ill watch tv for a bit. or bang my head on a wall. need to do something to get my mind off of you.

email: same day au 4 09 he said..

•August 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Abi, i dont want to lose you no matter what happens.
this is exactly what i meant when i said friends last longer than lovers; you have a lot of male friends, but your relationship with them wont change whether you’re here or in japan, right? i want us to be like that. what did we do wrong? please, help me figure this out.

it hurts me whenever you are saying you hope im gonna meet someone here while you’re away. it seems you are pushing me away. why are you pushing me away damn it!? im old enough to know the things that makes me happy. i dont mind being hurt, the happiness you bring overshadow the pain.

email: aug 4 09 he said..

•August 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

my god abi im seriously losing my mind. i want you. i want you beside me so bad, it hurts so much!

photographs

•July 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

perfect smile

holding hands

pounding heart

heady kiss

big promises

for ever

white lies?

broken hearts

dried tears

swollen eyes

good byes

drowned

•July 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

woke up sucking air up in my lungs.

a bad dream hunted me,

followed me in the attic of my mind

leaves me with a pounding heart

slowly tears trailed my face

now im drowning.

true love waits

•July 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

even if you leave…..

don’t leave.